I’m thinking of taking a break from social media. Maybe just delete the apps, or even just delete everything so when I come back, if I come back, I’ll have to start over from scratch. Call me stupid, but social media, to me, has this weight that I just don’t feel like carrying anymore.

I’m thinking of taking a break from people too. Or, at least, from reaching out to people. I can only keep track of like 3 people at a time anyway, one and a half of those being myself. I’ll exclusively dedicate my time to those I have actual business with and those who reach out to me first. I can’t keep using my mental capabilities to worry about who likes me and who doesn’t, I’ve been doing too much of that lately and that usually ends with me reassuring myself that everyone fucking hates me and that I’m a volatile piece of shit. And I don’t really get the opportunity to prove myself otherwise to other people, so I’m thinking of just taking that whole “other people” factor out of the equation until I can, once again, prove to myself and ONLY myself that I’m not a volatile piece of shit. Even if I find that I am, which I have found on numerous occasions, I’ll work on them by myself for no one else but myself because fuck everyone else. Where are you when I need you? No one needs me, I’ll learn to not need anyone. I already know I don’t need anyone.

I’m in physical pain every waking moment of my consciousness. From back pains to head-, arm, and leg aches, I’m never physically comfortable, not even when I’m high. And fuck my mental pain. I can’t prove to anyone the varying degrees of intensity of anxiety/depression/disassociation/suicidal thoughts I can feel at any given moment without sounding fucking stupid, and I think that’s fucking stupid. I don’t want people to feel bad for me, but jesus fucking christ I’d love if someone held my fist back preventing me from beating myself up so god damn much.

Too often do I hope to find death by the end of my cigarette. I’ll quit smoking if that meant you’d be here. I don’t find answers at the end of a spliff, only a myriad of questions I wish we would tackle together. Believe me or not, but I don’t need weed either. Fuck me if I start needing cocaine, I don’t see the point if I get 4 hours of crazy, manic confidence followed by a lifetime of dullness (but on god I love drugs consumed through insufflation). I don’t care too much for ecstasy since I’m not at a European rave, and psychedelics have become more distracting than eye-opening (I haven’t exactly come down from my trip before my most recent trip… besides, my weed is enough to send me back out into space).

I don’t know… if you love me, let me know. If you hate me, let me know (who in their god damn mind, if they hated me, would let me know they hate me, and let me know why they hate me? If they really hated me, they would let me sit here in my unknowing since they know how much it would bother me and they’d be happy since they hate me and can use me as a platform to advance themselves by convincing others of how fucking stupid I am. That’s how it works, right?) I’m leaving tumblr now. I’m leaving facebook now. I’m leaving snapchat now. I’m leaving twitter, instagram, I’ll even leave tinder too for good measure (I haven’t used tinder since that one time in London anyway). I’ll probably only delete the apps, but if this goes well I might just delete everything entirely.

If you love me, get a hold of me and hang out with me. I can’t really get rid of my phone, so call me or text me with some sort of follow up, digital communication doesn’t cut it anymore (however, due to the nature of life and circumstance, I have exceptions to this for two people in my life). Or email me, whatever, let’s get the ball rolling on this life thing. Otherwise, if you don’t love me, then get the fuck out of my dreams, get the fuck out of my head, and get the fuck out of my life.

woodmeat:

pussylipgloss:

babies are so cute aww they have only like 3 skills its adorable 

talking, breathing, archery (lv26)

(via havoc-rant)

officialunitedstates:

When I was in elementary school, Hillary came to our school and did an assembly on early childhood education or something and I remember it being really long and boring sitting there on the concrete floor watching this lady ramble on.  When she was done they took the kids in the first couple of rows and had them stand up so they could shake Hillary’s hand for some reason, and I was in the second row so I had to do it.  She hugged some of the kids and teachers and shook some hands and stuff but when she got to me I was just kinda standing there and then she looked right in my eyes as she let out one of the loudest sneezes my first grade ears had ever heard.  When it was over she wiped her mouth with her hand and then patted me with that hand on my right shoulder.  I’ll never forget the feeling I had deep inside me in that moment.  It was some strange combination of rage, confusion, and disgust and I couldn’t do anything about it because she had already moved down the line.  She never apologized to me and she probably thought I’d forget about it or even didn’t see her wipe her hand on me, but I still vividly remember that sneeze and wipe to this day.